The Long-term Effects Of Lying To Children

Lying to children is never a good option. Some parents do it because they think it is a way to simplify their understanding of a situation, an alternative to protect them from harsh reality or a way to stimulate their fantasy and lead them to a magical and beautiful world.

Sometimes lying to children is also used to gain more control  over them. Phrases like ” You behave well, or the police take you ” are considered completely harmless by some parents. They are wrong. Perhaps in the short term they achieve their mission, but over the years they only lead to more insecure and distrustful adults.

It is true that telling the truth may not be easy and that difficulty increases when we are talking to young children. However, the effort should not be directed at lying to children, but rather at finding the best words  and resources to tell them the truth in a way that is understandable to them.

Why not lie to the children?

Lying to children is an easy resource that saves time and often avoids awkward or embarrassing explanations. Likewise, the innocence and confidence of the little ones helps make persuasion easy.

However, as  popular wisdom points out , the truth always comes out. Sooner or later children find out that what they have been told was false. They generally access these truths through third parties. This obviously leads them to the conclusion that their parents are not trustworthy people.

In the medium term, and depending on the severity of the deception , this may lead to them stopping taking their parents as a point of reference. Trust is based precisely on the idea that we know, with a high degree of certainty, what we can expect from the other. When someone lies, that principle is diluted.

Speaking the truth favors the cognitive  and emotional development of children. Lying creates adaptation difficulties in adult life. This is proven by a study carried out in Singapore, which we will talk about shortly.

A study on lies

Professor Setoh Peipei from NTU Singapore’s College of Social Sciences created and conducted a study to identify the main long-term consequences of lying to children. For his study, he took as a basis 379 adults, who completed four online questionnaires on the subject.

Peipei started from the hypothesis that those who are deceived during childhood tend to have difficulties adapting to the challenges of adult life. Also that they become more liars, manipulative and selfish, at the same time that they more easily develop feelings of guilt and shame.

Although the study did not delve into the nature and severity of the lies, in the first instance, it did manage to test the central hypothesis. That is, those who had been deceived as children presented greater adaptation difficulties, as well as more impulsive, aggressive and selfish behaviors. They also tended to violate the rules more frequently.

Communicate with children without lying

Here are some tips to be honest with children:

• Think before you speak. It is important to choose an understandable and concrete language that they can understand.
• If there is no time, or what needs to be said is very difficult, it is worth asking for time. “We will talk tonight. Right now I don’t know how to explain this to you ”. Obviously, you have to comply.
• Do not talk to the child in moments of excitement. Parents should be calm and children should be calm, so they can hear each other.
• Value sincerity. It is important to exalt the importance of honesty in the family.
• Use fantasy as a metaphor for the truth and not as a deception.
• Help your child prepare emotionally to do something they don’t want to do. Instead of lying to them, help them find their own resources to deal with situations.

• De-dramatize the situations. It is important to speak naturally, openly and without euphemisms.

Parents often have to choose between two options : lie or develop truth and consistency to explain, motivate or interrupt a child’s behavior.

On many occasions, they opt for the lie or a highly manipulated half-truth: in the short term, it is the one that generates the least problems, also the one that requires the least effort. Let’s think about it.