Learning To Be Parents Without Recipes

To learn to be parents there are no recipes, what works for some does not necessarily work for others: think that no two children are alike. Raising our children is one of the most difficult challenges we face in life. Precisely, because of the importance and complexity of the task of being parents, being well with ourselves and with our partner will prevent our trust from being completely broken in moments of doubt.

Each parent is unique, with their own story. A couple is the result of two stories that come together and that give rise to an only child, with its own characteristics. The parents’ project is a consensual decision, which in turn requires a large number of agreements before and after the child’s birth.

On the other hand, having children is not a fashion nor should it be the result of any external imposition or pressure. On the other hand, it is good that it occurs as a result of the desire of the couple. When we have children because we want them to, we understand that children are not objects that we can shape or force to do what we expect or want for them. It is our job to guide and accompany them, while respecting them as individuals, without getting frustrated because they do not meet our expectations.

Children and limits

The word “limits” usually generates fear and rejection. It is confused with arbitrariness or authoritarianism. However, it should have more to do with authority which means “to grow.” Limit means physical or symbolic division that marks a border, an extreme, how far it can or cannot be reached.

We need the authority of our parents, authority based on respect and love. It is said easy, but it is not so easy, when daily situations turn into a battle: eating, going to sleep, cleaning the room, coming home after the park, etc. Educating within limits produces that children internalize that not everything is allowed, that they know what is expected of them and what will come next, reducing their anxiety before the unknown. Finally, the limits produce in the little ones a certain frustration that they will have to learn to manage with our help.

I often ask parents to try to understand how a child feels when, no matter how hard he “searches” for them, he does not find any natural or artificial limits. At the end of this exercise in empathy, they end up discovering that, indeed, they feel lost: “It’s as if they left you alone, at night, on a dark road, you don’t know where you are, or in which direction the cars are coming .” Setting a limit has the opposite effect to what is thought since they are reference points for the internal compasses of the smallest

The paradox is that when children have limits they can be more autonomous, since in the terrain that is limited by those limits the child can move safely and freely. On the other hand, the limits should not respond to a “because I say so” or be a guarantee for the “comfort” of the adult, but because it is the best for the child. Their ultimate reason is to keep children away from the most important dangers, which given their vulnerability and lack of resources are many.

Limits do not mean avoiding ALL risks. Living involves risks that children often do not know about, but scaring them by constantly saying “careful, don’t touch that because you burn”, “that doesn’t because it cuts” or “don’t do that because you’re going to fall” makes them dependent, insecure and incapable of trust themselves when making decisions. They end up feeling that the world is a dangerous place full of threats that they are unable to detect.

An important task is to regulate the parents’ emotions first, to not get angry about anything and to understand that they will not be able to direct the behavior of their children all the time, as if they were robots. Furthermore, if this were the case, we would be endangering the conquest of their autonomy.

Educating implies respecting individuality, listening to them and accompanying them on the path of their independence until they are able to make their own decisions. It also means putting ourselves in their place and taking into account the point of view from which they make their decisions.

Some important things

• Threats are useless, they make the problem escalate and affect your relationship with your children.
• Be consistent, let your child know what is next and what is expected of him.
• Our children are going to test our limits. If you stay calm, you will help the situation not escalate.
• Empathize and put words to their emotions, so that in the future they can do it.
• Every demand is a demand for love: children do not want gifts or prizes, they need time with us, that we listen to them and understand them and do not try to buy their love.
• Preach by example. We cannot expect our children to do things that we refuse to do or not to do things that we constantly do. For example, if you want your children to read, the best thing you can do is get them to enjoy the pleasure of reading.

• Children who do not have established limits always push us towards  our  own limits.
• When you catch their attention, watch your language. Talk about the action and say that you did not like it, explain how you would like it to be. Don’t use disqualifying adjectives or insults.

By way of conclusion, we could say that setting limits implies: correcting them less and highlighting the positive more. Play more with them, and put ourselves more in their position. Demand less of them and stimulate them more. Fight less and pet them more. Teach them that everything in life has a value, but not only numerical and that many circumstances, people or objects are worth more for what they represent than for what they cost.

In many cases words are not necessary, it is enough that they know that we are there and that they can count on our example. In addition, he thinks that there are other languages, such as that of looks, that of gestures, that of caresses and that children learn earlier to interpret messages through this type of language than through spoken discourse.