Can We Turn Tantrums Into An Educational Opportunity?

Our children’s tantrums may be telling us that they are feeling frustrated or emotionally overwhelmed. Therefore, identifying when and why they occur will give us clues on how to help them manage them properly. 

Now,  when the tantrum is over, a learning window opens so that together with them we can reflect on what happened. In this way, we can invite them to reflect on what could have been the possible positive responses to what happened, as well as teach them to communicate better from the knowledge of their emotions.

Below we explain several strategies to use during and after tantrums to turn these types of situations into learning opportunities and thus make them much more bearable. Let’s go deeper.

How to act during a tantrum

Keep calm

Losing your temper to a tantrum can complicate the situation much more, since we raise the tone and as a result, children can feel more stressed. Furthermore, it is very likely that we will set a bad example if we do. The adult’s task is to show the child other ways to handle frustration and to express his feelings and wishes.

Therefore, it is important to remain calm and focus our efforts on the child. In this way, we will become a reference figure that they can turn to when they are not able to control their emotions.

Don’t personalize the situation

In general, when our children have a tantrum, they do not do it to get our attention, nor to provoke or anger us. What usually happens to them is that they are emotionally overwhelmed by the situation in which they find themselves and they do not know how to act in any other way. They feel frustration or anger and express it through a tantrum.

The important thing is that we do not take their anger personally, but as a way of reacting to what happened that they can learn to manage. 

The way we manage our emotions is probably related to the way our parents taught us to manage them. That is why it is so important that you understand that you are the main example for your children.

If our parents took our tantrums personally towards them, and did not teach us another way to express our emotions, it is likely that we experience many negative emotions during our children’s tantrums and that we also do not know how to drive.

Be empathetic

It is essential to empathize with our children and their feelings and try to put in simple words what we think is happening to them. All this, using a calm and welcoming voice and putting ourselves at their height to address them. Thus, they will feel more heard and understood.

Remember that tantrums are not a personal attack on us. Children are the ones who have the worst time because they do not know how to channel their negative feelings. Perhaps at that time the only way they have to express themselves is through shouting and crying that we have to try to translate, so that in the future they can also do it.

On the other hand, empathy does not mean that we should give in to the tantrum.  If we do, we will not be offering them tools to learn to manage their emotions. On the contrary, we will be offering them a resource so that every time they want something, they express themselves through the tantrum as a method to achieve it.

Thus, being empathetic with them means trying to translate what we think is happening to them.  For example, “I think you got angry because you were entertaining playing and we had to go” or “you wanted to put your shoes on by yourself, but I had to help you and you felt frustrated”. In this way, the child will feel that you are putting yourself in his place and will make it easier for him to calm down and listen to you.

Offering him an alternative and helping to shift the focus from looping can also be a good alternative. However, this works best once they are calmer and feel understood. If we do it immediately when they are at the highest peak of the tantrum, we could cause more frustration in them.

What to do when a tantrum ends

Offer a source of containment

At the end of a tantrum or when they have calmed down a bit,  we can offer them a hug or some caresses. We can also invite you to wash your face and drink a glass of water. If he does not accept it, we can accompany him, breathe together or explain that he can ask for a hug when he needs it.

In the event that the tantrum includes hitting himself it is important that we contain it as firmly as possible and let him know that this is not okay. If he tries to hit us, we have to hold him very firmly (without hurting him) and make it very clear that this is not allowed.

Not give in

It is important not to give in to what they asked of us, even if they are no longer crying out for it. Doing so could cause our children to use tantrums to get things done or as a means of expression. However, we can offer all kinds of positive attention, caresses or hugs. This will confirm that we love you no matter what.

On the other hand, we can also negotiate and give more options, since it is a way of showing our children that they are listened to and we take them into account.

Take advantage of learning opportunities

Once the child is calm, we can talk to him about what happened. Let him try to explain to us what he has felt and let us try to explain to him what we have seen and how we have felt. We can also use this moment to think of alternative ways to deal with these situations when they happen again.

Now, if our children are young, it will be necessary for us to interpret and put words to what we think has happened to them. Also that the solutions we give them until we can find them together.

What not to do during a tantrum?

• Yelling or physical punishment is not appropriate.
• Any strategy that causes more stress can have long-term consequences. Therefore, we should not use them.
• Do not give long explanations during the tantrum, because they are not listening to us.

• It is also not appropriate to leave them alone in the room or punish them there. This can cause them to have more trouble managing their emotions.
• If it happens in a public place, do not pull them or force them to leave the site or manage the situation in the place and as soon as possible, regardless of whether people are looking at us or what they might think.

The tantrum stage is a normal phase  in children’s development, as long as certain limits are not crossed. In fact, they can become an opportunity to learn to tolerate frustration and express negative emotions. This is something of vital importance to live in a society with limits and norms.

Tantrums allow parents and children to practice to  gain tolerance for our frustrations, mistakes, mistakes, disappointments or losses. Therefore, they are also opportunities to teach them emotional skills that will help them to be adolescents and adults with greater internal maturity.