When To “clean The Slate” With Your Partner?

After having several discussions with your partner and the consequent disappointments, the eternal and difficult question appears: is it worth continuing with this relationship or is it better to end the chapter? Suppose we decide to continue it, is the “clean slate” so easy? Can everything go back to the way it was before?

In order to find the answer, we must take into account several factors. Among them, the state of our relationship, the intensity and frequency of these discussions and whether there is still a basis of mutual love and respect.

The first challenge: how we are

Most people think they know each other well. However, if so, many times they would choose not to suffer. And yet they don’t. Knowing yourself well, as well as exciting, is a really difficult task.

How are we when we get angry? Do we retreat or do we attack? How do we react when we are hurt? Do we prefer to be hugged or left alone? All these questions are not trivial. If we do not know ourselves, it is difficult for others to know us.

• “I prefer that after arguing, you leave me alone for a few minutes. If not, I can’t calm down ”.
• “When I get home after work, I need to go to the gym to relieve tension.”
• “My passion is basketball. For this reason, if I don’t watch my team’s game, the next day I wake up in a very bad mood ”.

If we stop doing all these activities that make us happy, the relationship suffers. When we are not satisfied, we are more irascible and, surely, we will end up paying it with who we are closest to: our partner. Just with this little analysis of ourselves, the relationship can go much better. When everyone has taken time for himself and is clear about what he is like and what he wants, you can draw positive conclusions from the discussions.

When is it possible to “clean the slate” with your partner

Forgiving and moving on in the relationship are very different things. You can excuse him, but stop being his partner. But when are you ready to “clean the slate”?

It is a mistake to think that the “clean slate” means that everything is going to be a bed of roses. It would be like believing that a broken vase can magically stick and return to its original state. It is necessary to invest time and effort to get everything going well again.

The right moment to put this idea into practice is the moment when the desire to change and move forward is stronger than the pain and suffering experienced so far. Therefore, if you are not willing to put up with yourself or the balance leans towards the “not worth it” side, it is better that you quit now.

Paddle forward, without twisting

You can only introduce variations in your relationship if the two of you assume that you are partners in the problem. It is important to feel that you are moving in the same direction, not sideways.

• Abandon reproaches, without blaming the other. Resentments, anger, resentment or repression make the situation worse. Recognizing future errors allows you to resolve the conflicts of the present. Each one has to assume their share of responsibility in the conflict.
• Denying problems and continuing with a false appearance that everything is going well hurts all this work. You can only change behavior if it becomes conscious.
• Propose solutions. Each brings their perspective and a way out of the problem. Proactivity and creativity work. No matter how crazy your ideas are, they surely allow you to find the right alternative and can even start a laugh in a situation in which a priori there is no laugh at all.

• Highlight the positive of the couple and not only the negative aspects. How far have you come together, what you have built, what remains to be done. The joint illusions, the dreams come true. Now, what is shared will strengthen you even more.

But beware! The demands are not effective in these cases because they build barriers between the couple. Not to everything you can say yes. You always have to set limits and learn to say no. Assertiveness in this sense is as essential as a balanced distribution of power within the couple.

If you want new results, do something different

However, some decisions that we make implicitly do not want or not to be able to do a “clean slate”. The most common mistake is not to change anything in the relationship. Getting carried away by inertia and comfort are not good allies in this new adventure.

Feelings of revenge are also a very dangerous poison, mainly for those who crave it. “I’m going to tell you the same, so you can see how I feel.” Watch out! Continuing to make life impossible for the other is not love or respect or affection. It’s also not a good way to build empathy, if that’s what you want.

When only one of the members is the one who wants to reconcile. A couple is a team and also has to be in tough times. The common goal is for the couple to continue contributing very positive elements and that depends on both of them, it is not an individual task. Continue only for “inertia” or “for the good of our children.” The simple fact that living under the same roof is not synonymous with being a happy family. Only if the couple is well, the children are well, never the other way around.

If you stay with your partner out of fear of being alone or emotional dependence, you are condemning yourself. Happiness is in you, in yourself, not in others; at least state happiness, not fleeting happiness. It is good to walk together, but not tied. Internal tensions end up wearing us down and do not allow us to enjoy how beautiful life can be. In any case, the decision you make has to bring you happiness and  serve as an impulse so that in a while you will be much better.