My Son Has Low Self-esteem, How Can I Help Him?

“My son has low self-esteem, since I notice that he feels insecure, withdrawn and has trouble talking to others.” It is common to hear stories from parents who perceive low self-esteem in their children, which can affect different areas of their lives. Low self-esteem stems from a lack of confidence towards oneself and towards their ability to achieve. Thus, it directly influences self-efficacy.

That is, it feeds  the erroneous belief of not having the necessary capacity to achieve what they set out to do. In contrast, people with low self-esteem think that others do have this capacity and are continually comparing themselves, placing themselves in a position of inferiority.

It should be noted that self-esteem is the fundamental piece of our own gear, it is the base on which we build our self and it will determine how we relate to the world and to ourselves. It begins to be forged in childhood and is built as we grow. It is influenced by the experiences that we live throughout our lives.

While it is true that a large number of children build a healthy identity and self-esteem, it is no less so that other children develop a self-esteem that hurts them. In this sense, it is important that both parents and teachers are attentive to the signs that a child with low self-esteem shows in order to be able to provide the necessary help.

How can I detect if my child has low self-esteem?

Really, what are the symptoms of low self-esteem? What leads us to consider that a child can suffer from it? It is important to provide the corresponding help to know the possible symptoms that may appear. We name some warning signs:

• Insecurity : you do not trust your own possibilities or your potential. If my child has low self-esteem, he may think he is not capable (low self-efficacy).
• Pessimism : You may be convinced that things will not work out for you. He assumes that he is going to fail beforehand, taking a negative outlook on himself.
• Shyness : a child suffering from low self-esteem becomes excessively shy. He has a certain fear of social contact because he thinks that he is not going to achieve the objectives that he sets in this plane.
• Perfection: children with low self-esteem tend to be perfectionists, since they consider that something is not well done until they do not stop detecting errors, no matter how small. So there is also a high level of self-criticism by not getting what they want “I am worth nothing because I have not been able to get the best grades.”

It is essential to attend to the alarm signals, since adequate psychological health is based on good self-esteem, as affirmed by the psychologist Nathaniel Branden.

The author, in his work The six pillars of self-esteem, ensures that low self-esteem is one of the triggers for suffering from psychological problems.

Next, we name certain recommendations that we consider of great relevance if my son has low self-esteem.

Goodbye to comparisons

It is important to avoid negative comparisons, as they can make you feel worthless or worse than the rest. For example: “your sister gets better grades than you”, “your classmate has better skills”, “your friend plays better than you”. After those comparisons, you are likely to feel ashamed and undervalued. You may even be envious of others.

Likewise, overly positive comparisons should be avoided: “you are the best in the class”, “you are the best player of all”, since it projects a level of demand on the child that may be difficult to achieve. In fact, your motivation can begin to move around that self-demand based on that positive assessment that you want to maintain at all costs.

Ultimately, it is essential to show the child their limits and / or difficulties without judgments or negative criticism, assuming that we all have them and that they can be useful to improve ourselves without demands or comparisons. In this way, the child is motivated to achieve his own achievements from his capacities and resources, thus enhancing his motivation.

Offer unconditional love and support

Your child needs to know that you are there; Whatever happens, no matter what mistakes you make; that you don’t want it anymore to get better grades or stand out on some plane. That is, understand that the link and its quality does not depend on its performance.

With children who have low self-esteem, it is even more important to take care of the language. Labels such as “you are stupid”, “you are bad” probably cause the child to conceive himself based on that label, creating a negative self-concept about himself. Remember that children build their identity largely influenced by the assessment that others make of themselves.

It also creates a climate of trust and communication. The goal is for you to feel comfortable expressing how you feel and what you think. In this way, we can help you manage your emotions and understand what is happening to you. By feeling understood and heard, your self-esteem may improve.