Whoever Argues A Lot To Prove His Wisdom Shows His Ignorance

Those who argue a lot trying to prove their wisdom or their universal truth, the only thing that many times demonstrates is their ignorance. Because intelligent is not the one who wins the arguments, intelligent is the one who does not provoke them and who in turn knows how to distance himself when he becomes aware that there are battles that are not worth it.

It is therefore clear that the art of arguing has a lot to do with one’s own personality. Likewise, the way we carry out this process is also related to the education received and the family dynamics in which we grew up. In these microuniverses so varied as well as complex, many times the belief that the one who screams the loudest is the one who is right is integrated.

Those who argue rarely do so to bring positions closer together. It seeks to disarm, it  is listened to respond and not to understand, thus amplifying misunderstandings until creating an atmosphere of marked negativity and tension. If, as children, we have seen our parents waging real fights based only on the exchange of grudges, we will understand why these types of dynamics crystallize from generation to generation.

Nobody introduces us to the art of good discussions, there is no doubt. All this makes it difficult to manage these situations if the person in front of us is our partner or a close family member. Because the greater the emotional closeness, the greater the collateral effects and the more damaging the arsenals of reproaches that can be sent.

We suggest you reflect on the subject.

The 5% theory in couple arguments

We all know that the most complex discussions are those that take place at the couple level. It is a stark, bitter and intense scene where emotions are on the surface. The spite, the stubbornness to impose our point of view while we feel the need – somewhat desperate – to be understood, makes our arguments not always as clear or constructive as we would like.

In couples therapy there is a theory that never fails when it comes to arguments. It’s the 5% rule. Within all that marsh of convulsive tensions and differences there is always a small corner in which we can converge. Recognizing that 5% where we both agree does not at all mean that we should abandon our position with respect to the other 95%.

It is, so to speak, “a refuge island”, where the couple can sit to reach agreements. We cannot forget that the ultimate goal in our discussions at the couple level is not to “win” but to “build”. We can only do something like this through adequate Emotional Intelligence, respect and the principle of reciprocity.

“I am aware that our financial difficulties concern us both, but I think you should share your thoughts with me and not close yourself off like that. Your isolation gives me a bad mood and I also carry it with you, I know. We both feed a vicious cycle that must end ”.

The art of discussing with serenity and intelligence

You can try to stay calm and tell yourself that it’s not worth it. However, we all have an “alarm button” that manages our limbic system. It is a brain structure that governs our most instinctive essence and whispers to us that of “react, you are facing a threat.”

• The key to arguing intelligently is not to allow ourselves to be carried to that stage. We must avoid this stage in which our will is under the reins of the limbic system. Because that’s when anger, anger and lack of control will surface.

• Don’t let the discussions get heated. Extend response times, visualize a room of white and serene light where you can enter from time to time to take distance, to continue seeing things clearly.

• The moment there are no valid arguments to give way to grievances, it is time to stop. In this phase, all discussion goes from making sense to becoming a pitched battle.

• Whoever argues with poise, sharpness and constructiveness actually hides all previous learning. He is someone who manages his emotions and who, above all, has good self-knowledge and full security in his person.

We know that in our language, the word “discuss” has a negative connotation. However, there are discussions that are worth carrying out if with them, through respect and attention, agreements are reached. Something like this is only possible if both parties invest in an essential aspect: the will.

Images courtesy of Jimy Liao, Quentin Gréban