How To Argue Without Fighting

Is it possible to argue without fighting? For some people this will seem impossible. But yes, it is possible to argue without stripping. Although this is especially complicated when the discussion occurs with someone you live with, the truth is that arguing without quarrels, in addition to being possible, is very healthy, both for oneself and for the relationship with the other person, whatever it may be.

Resolving conflicts is important and, if the result is positive, relationships are enriched. However, many people do not know how to face opinions different from their own in a reasonable way without getting angry, or going out of their own point of view. At other times, not being able to see your own limitations or flaws makes discussion impossible.

Arguing is not fighting to win the game

One of the main problems people fight over when arguing is seeing arguments as a competition  from which a winner and a loser will emerge. Many people take arguments very personal, as if not being above the other degrades them.

That is why it is important to approach discussions from a healthy perspective. A dynamic in which, despite anger, people communicate in a harmonious way, without trying to impose themselves, being receptive to the other person’s need for expression.

Suggestions for a civilized discussion

There is a popular saying that two do not fight if one does not want to. However, the situation can become absurd. Many take advantage of those who know how to stay calm. In any case, a discussion should aim to resolve a conflict or reach an agreement in a consensual and convinced way. All that gets out of that is wasting time and energy.

But how to achieve it? Here are some strategies for making a difference that turns violent arguments into constructive conversations . You will need a good deal of patience and self-control – no one said it was easy.

• Think about it before you start arguing. Ask yourself if you are really looking for a solution or an agreement or what you really want is to hurt the other or feel powerful.
• Plan the discussion ahead of time. It cannot be discussed at any time. You have to find a moment that is good for you and good for the other, when you are at your best.
• Express your intentions clearly and directly. Do not beat around the bush before, do not accuse the other. Don’t focus on the facts, but on the solutions.
• Specify what you expect of the other person, what change you propose and how you expect the other to behave.

• If for some reason you are very agitated, save the discussion for another time. Avoid debating “hot” even if your intention is good.
• If at any point in the discussion either of you gets too agitated, it is good to take a little pause.

What to do if you get into a violent argument

The above tips are valid for when you are the one who is going to start the discussion. But what happens when someone starts arguing with you in a heated way? Many times we have found ourselves speaking violently, even saying things that we have regretted afterwards  without really knowing how we got to that point.

There is no doubt that it takes a lot to react in a calm and diplomatic way when accusations are thrown at you, yelled at or provoked. If you have not been able to overcome the first stake, nothing happens, there are still ways to fix it.

• Shut up and take a deep breath. Give yourself time to take the hit, come to terms with it, and start over.
• Ask the other person to calmly explain what they want or what is happening. Don’t let him keep yelling at you. Please ask him to express himself.

• Listen to the other without interrupting him. Try to understand their point of view. For this you need to know everything. When finished, ask any questions you have.
• Ask him to tell you what he wants and what he proposes that you do (if so, how).
• Try not to interpret their thinking. Sometimes we attribute the wrong intentions or thoughts to others and this agitates us unnecessarily.

• Use empathy and put yourself in the shoes of the other. What happened to him? Why do you tell me what you say? Maybe he’s had a bad day and he’s venting on me .
• As Buddhist teachers recommend, the more agitated we feel, the calmer we should appear. When we see that anger begins to destroy our patience, it is time to shut up, stay still and try to remain as calm as possible.

What happens if the other insists on yelling and tries to provoke you?

So take it as a game in which it is not the one who shouts the loudest who wins, but the one who is able to remain calm. Under these conditions you are not going to get anywhere and, if what the other is looking for is war, he will not find more than the one he is going to fight with himself to make you lose his papers.

As soon as you can, it is best to end the conversation. Tell the other that you will talk again when he relaxes. You have every right to demand respect. By doing so, you respect yourself. That is not arrogance, it is self-esteem. You can’t ask anyone to respect you if you don’t do it yourself.

Dolf Zillmann developed the excitation transference paradigm. This paradigm postulates that if we are already upset by something, it will be easier to react negatively to a stimulus that perhaps at another time would not alter us. So when the argument on the part of the other gets into an uncontrollable terrain, it is best to cut and move on later. It should be remembered that anger is like a snowball that, little by little, gets bigger.