The Use Of Indirect: A Direct Way To Damage Relationships

The use of hints can be an original device in certain contexts. However, whoever uses them in their everyday language with their partner, family or friends, what causes tension and suffering. Because someone who says something but is secretly expressing the opposite, distorts the communication process and puts into practice a very subtle type of abuse; especially when we speak of reproaches.

We often neglect the power of language,  so we end up adopting very dangerous customs. Thus, at times, we tend to admire even those who have the ability to use the sharpest sarcasm, those who have the curious and undeniable ingenuity of giving us information indirectly.

It is clear that everything depends on the context, the situation and the moment. However, we cannot deny that there are people “subscribed” to this type of ineffective, potentially harmful  and covert communication. Now it is time to ask, if it is so bad, why do we use it? There are two main reasons: the first we have already suggested, it is original, the second is that it is a communicative way in which the speaker protects himself. There is always that of I have not wanted to say that.

Hints, and we know this well, are rarely pleasant. Because through linguistic play and manipulation we are told one thing that can mean another. Perhaps in certain contexts, such as seduction, the game can be pleasant, but there are many others in which it is not.

The use of continuous hints and perverse communication

The use of hints is very characteristic among passive-aggressive people. They are those profiles used to making use of subtle insults, to projecting guilt, to making us empty when things are not as he or she expects. While it is true that we can all use a hint in a specific way in a context of joke and relaxation, it is necessary to know very well when this type of resource is not appropriate.

University of Florida psychology professor James K. McNulty labels this dynamic as indirect hostility. It is a deliberate failure in communication where there is a lack of coherence between what is said and what is intended to be communicated. In addition, there is contempt, and in fact it is common for the use of hints to be accompanied by a rather revealing non-verbal language. In it we can identify looks, gestures and attitudes that give off different emotions, such as anger, conflict or contempt.

In most cases, our non-verbal communication is much more sincere than the verbal one. For this reason, the person receiving the hint processes the message of that look and even the tone of voice before the words themselves. The effect is immediate. And if these dynamics are constant in the couple’s relationship or between that father and that son, where the indirect ones have the weight of contempt or ridicule, psychological abuse will be taking place.

It is therefore a type of perverse communication with serious consequences for the victim.

How to react to the use of hints?

Professor McNulty, cited above, is a notable expert in the field of affective relationships. Thus, in a study carried out in 2016, it clarified what type of communication strategies are the most appropriate within the couple, those that can also help us resolve differences and conflicts.

One such resource is to avoid double-linked messages at all costs. This term, coined by the anthropologist Gregory Bateson, defines the use of indirect or ambiguous messages that boycott and suffocate affection and, above all, respect. Now, we are clear that it is necessary not to make use of these language resources, but what happens if we are receiving them on a daily basis? How to react to someone used to talking to us in this way?

Let’s look at some strategies.

Keys to curbing the use of hints

It requires effective communication. Every time we receive a hint, we will demand that they provide us with clear information. If they blame us for not being “skillful” enough not to understand, we can demand to have someone “skillful” in front of us when it comes to communicating.

• Identify the passive-aggressive. It is common that behind a profile accustomed to making use of hints, there is a passive-aggressive person. In these cases, it is a priority to put red barriers as soon as possible red barriers. We must clarify what we are not going to accept and what we demand to receive.

• Likewise, let us try to be ourselves the best example of what we expect from others. If we want a sincere and courageous communication, let us communicate in this way.
• Avoid being dominated. Another aspect to consider is that behind this practice there is often a clear desire for domination. The hint, sarcasm and mockery are ways of boycotting the self-esteem of the other and with this, a form of domination is erected.
• Thus, in addition to harmful language, other harmful dynamics may also be taking place that we must identify and stop. Let’s put up safety barriers as soon as possible.

To conclude, while it is true that hints can be tolerated (and even appreciated) at certain times, remember that there are situations in which they are not recommended. Emotions, especially those of negative valence, demand sincere language. Let’s think about it.