Hostility In A Relationship: The Prelude To The End

Hostility is an attitude of contempt towards one or more people with a conscious intention to do harm. This intention can be noticed in different ways. It can be revealed covertly, in the form of gossip and slander, or more explicitly, with verbal or physical attacks.

Hostility is an unpleasant emotional experience. Because hostility is not born from a situation of opposition, war or competition. It is a feeling that is directed towards the one who was our sentimental partner, friend or brother, in what was supposed to be “a field of peace.”

Hostility: this is how it feels

The best way to understand hostility is by experiencing it. It is seldom forgotten. Feeling ourselves objects of attacks against which we can hardly defend ourselves because we are indirectly and not frankly spilled generates great discomfort. Especially if these injuries are caused by someone important to us.

Hostility feels like:

• An incessant and veiled attack or offense towards our attitude or opinion.
• The use of our words as a throwing weapon against ourselves by another person. We feel that they want to set a trap for us to “reveal” what we never intended to say.
• Criticism towards aspects of our life that have little or nothing to do with the situation that is shared at a given moment. For example, someone brings out details or experiences in surprising and non-consensual ways with other people in your presence.

• Direct or indirect pressure to make you change your mind, beyond any dialogue or debate.
• Some assessment of your needs or your state of mind. Something like “psychoanalyzing” when you have not asked.
• Compare his life with yours, to make you see that your problems “are not so bad”, as well as your achievements.
• Point out how good you feel with some people, reflecting in a veiled way all the attributes that seem to be missing from you.
• Claim that you do not listen to her or that you are “inaccessible”.

These are some examples of how hostility can be noticed. There are many forms of hostile behavior. Obviously, all hostile behavior has different intensities and ways of presenting itself.

What leads one person to be hostile to another?

In many cases, the element that maintains hostility is a lack of social skills. There is anger or resentment, but the person is not able to start or maintain an open and honest dialogue about what has happened. Thus, it manifests the energy of anger or anger with hostility.

However, this attitude is not honest. Far from building, demolish; far from building bridges, it weakens them. On the other hand, in many cases it is reasonable that we do not want to prolong a relationship over time; It is not so much to hurt until this break occurs.

Hostility: a harmful and ineffective form of communication

We often find it difficult to empathize with a person who behaves in a hostile way. However, sometimes, it is not about feeling empathy, but about stimulating reflection and recommending psychological help. The intervention of a third party can channel anger or anger in ways other than hostility and resentment.

Let’s see what some of the causes of overt or covert hostility may be :

• Many people with hostile behavior have inherited significant psychological wounds from neglect and abuse in early childhood. They don’t want to be aware of it, the pain it causes them, or they don’t know what to do about it.
• Psychological wounds can be caused by impulsiveness, anger, sarcasm. In many cases, people who maintain a hostile attitude ignore the long-term consequences of their disrespect.
• People who display hostile behavior are unaware of effective communication skills. They have been involved in repeated conflict dynamics where the solution was to “win” or, on the contrary, to feel deeply humiliated.
• They confuse frankness with offense. In addition, they do not manage well when and how certain comments should be expressed or when their behavior is generating a tense situation.

•  They are often not aware that their social needs are not being met, which further deteriorates their self-esteem.
• They don’t expect the person they are harassing to confront them. When it happens, there is usually neither self-criticism nor reflection, but rather an increase in hostility itself.
• All of these factors combine to promote mutual dislike, disrespect, and mistrust, which inhibit effective problem solving, forgiveness, and genuine cooperation.

Therefore, if you are a person who suffers from this type of covert and unresolved anger, it is best to stop for a second and choose a way that is not infused with hostility. In this sense, professional help is always valuable.